at a loss for words...

as oversaid and seemingly trivial the phrase "at a loss for words" may be, i am seriously feeling that.

leaving a place i've learned to accept, love and call "home", and entering a completely foreign land of unfamiliarity was really character-building for me. it was a real "find out who you are, michelle, because you've got nothing else to do with yourself" kind of period - these ten months of soul-searching. so when i went back after all this time of separation between people i've grown to love and call family to party and 'have a good time', i expected for them to change a bit, maybe something really subtle and unnoticable to anyone else. i expected moments of awkwardness and discomfort, maybe a bit of regret for my going back to people who've probably already gone on with their lives without me; people who've probably grown a little bit without my influence; etc etc.

that wasn't the case because they were all so much of the same people as they were before. just...better.

so now is the time when i declare myself "at a loss for words", because i am. having gone back to toronto for a ten-day "bonanza", i feel completely ecstatic, for a lack of a better explanation. i don't know how to explain myself, describe this burst of utter content and joy and bliss and happiness and love for my life.

i'm just going to leave a few quotes behind. they are sort of remembrances of what was said to me on my trip - the trip i'm never going to forget (another seemingly trivial phrase):

"take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one that i got."

"you're one in a million, you're once in a lifetime."

"when the whole world fails you, michelle will be there for you."

"this feels like a date. but it's not."

"i'll dance with you."

"drink this. drink it fast, you won't feel anything. then take a sip of sprite, it'll make you feel better."

"let's pretend you're my wife. if you were my wife, you'd hold me tight."

"it feels like you guys are fighting for me."

"i'm glad she's your best friend." "i am too."

but right now, i'm a bit "not myself". from this withdrawal of life-satisfaction.