retrace: 2 days (?)

superwoman:

1. a woman who performs all the duties typically associated with several different full-time roles

2. a woman with more than human powers; extraordinary, superhuman

(www.dictionary.reference.com)

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i am not a superwoman.

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i think it is currently universally accepted that everyone should be able to juggle multiple large roles, and still be able to function properly.  am i right?  i mean, what happened to "less is more"?  what happened to simplicity and necessity?  what the fuck is all this stuff that's mucking up everyone's life?  i don't even have the energy to think of what kind of "stuff" this "stuff" could be.  but why is more of everything always better?

or is everyone just super sloth-like?  and is apathy plaguing my generation?

i guess it doesn't really matter...my point is...i am not a superwoman.  sometimes, i wish i were.  i wish i were able to finish everything i need to, and still have time for pleasure.  and other times, i wish i could be able to survive off the most simple lifestyle.  keeping things simple eliminates all that muck that clutters my life.

so i suppose i'm sort of resorting back to the basics.  early bed-times.  simple schedules.  simple wishes.  simple friends (this one's tough).  simple thoughts.  and hopefully by doing so, i will be able to eliminate the daily headaches that i am being infected with.

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i am un-mucking my life because i am not a superwoman.

retrace: one week

solitary:

1. alone; without companions; unattended

2. by itself

3. being the only one

4. done without assistance or accompaniment

5. single and set apart from others

6. a single-player card game

i am a solitary being.

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i felt the urge to return to blogger.  thus, my return.  but i am not as i was june 2007.

at a loss for words...

as oversaid and seemingly trivial the phrase "at a loss for words" may be, i am seriously feeling that.

leaving a place i've learned to accept, love and call "home", and entering a completely foreign land of unfamiliarity was really character-building for me. it was a real "find out who you are, michelle, because you've got nothing else to do with yourself" kind of period - these ten months of soul-searching. so when i went back after all this time of separation between people i've grown to love and call family to party and 'have a good time', i expected for them to change a bit, maybe something really subtle and unnoticable to anyone else. i expected moments of awkwardness and discomfort, maybe a bit of regret for my going back to people who've probably already gone on with their lives without me; people who've probably grown a little bit without my influence; etc etc.

that wasn't the case because they were all so much of the same people as they were before. just...better.

so now is the time when i declare myself "at a loss for words", because i am. having gone back to toronto for a ten-day "bonanza", i feel completely ecstatic, for a lack of a better explanation. i don't know how to explain myself, describe this burst of utter content and joy and bliss and happiness and love for my life.

i'm just going to leave a few quotes behind. they are sort of remembrances of what was said to me on my trip - the trip i'm never going to forget (another seemingly trivial phrase):

"take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one that i got."

"you're one in a million, you're once in a lifetime."

"when the whole world fails you, michelle will be there for you."

"this feels like a date. but it's not."

"i'll dance with you."

"drink this. drink it fast, you won't feel anything. then take a sip of sprite, it'll make you feel better."

"let's pretend you're my wife. if you were my wife, you'd hold me tight."

"it feels like you guys are fighting for me."

"i'm glad she's your best friend." "i am too."

but right now, i'm a bit "not myself". from this withdrawal of life-satisfaction.

3 revelations

so here are 3 revelations that have been revealed to me since yesterday afternoon:

1. there are 3 types of people in this world, and all can be defined with an anology of an escalator, going up. first, there are the people who stand on the right side of the escalator. the lazy, fat people who have no self-esteem, but can effectively hide it behind cunning ideas and swift moves. they are the ones who have all the right connections, coast through their lives, riding the "fast lane" and reaping all the fruits of everyone else's labor. second, there are the people who walk on the left side of the escalator. they are the people who are a bit less lazy. like to work out a sweat when doing their work, but don't like to give all the credit to others. they work hard, but get a few treats here and there on their way up to the top. last, there are the people who say, "SCREW THE ESCALATOR!! LAST TIME I CHECKED I WASN'T DISABLED AND HAD 2 WORKING FEET TO WALK ON!" and they take the stairs. they work their asses off. with every bead of sweat comes hard work and determination to make it up there. they may not make it there quite as fast as the losers on the fast lane, but they get up there. no doubt. (getting off the subway and walking up to the street level yesterday afternoon)

2. faith is like love or hope. something you can't really touch, or see, or hear. you just have to believe in it. (watching 'premonition' last night)

3. life. just. sucks. ass. life is full of shit and there's really not much you can do. all you can do is to love that it's so beautifully imperfect, that is what makes life so beautiful. be who you are and don't let anyone tell you to be anything otherwise. (watching 'little miss sunshine' today)

how are you making in to the top? how is your faith? when was the last time you deafened your ears to the voices of those who think they've got it all figured out?

unbelievable.

it is unbelievable how much one phone call can do to you.

so i got this unexpected phone call from a very good friend today. i haven't exactly spoken to him in like...6 months. but, we were pretty close for a while, but circumstances since then has made it difficult for us to talk often. but yeah, he called me. and it was just...it was a good surprise.

we caught up, on all of life's happenings. talked about a lot of things; about religion, family, regrets, answers, "awakenings", passions, death, life. it was a good talk. and i'm just really happy right now because i...i really missed him and i'm more than happy right now because we got to talk.

i'll just leave it at that...

it's hard to love when you don't know who you are...

02082007 - unnexpected surprises

it amazes me how God continues to bless me with little unnexpected surprises. as much as my relationship with Him is plateau-ing, or (regrettably) lessening, He never fails to show me i'm wrong.

so i got 2 little surprises in my mail box (the literal box outside my door where the man with a hat drops off my mail...not that virtual place somewhere in virtual reality, where electronic, virtual mail is stored) when i came home today. a letter from a friend, who sent me a woburn music bracelet...reminding me how much i miss, and actually belong in the woburn music family. and gave me enough origami paper for me to finish what i want to do. (i'm working towards 1000 origami cranes...no i'm not sick, or deathly ill. no i don't know anyone who is sick, or deathly ill. it's just a goal i'm working towards, and i'm 40% there. turn those rusty little math wheels in your head and calculate that number yourselves.) i was short like...50 sheets, and she sent me some. what a perfect gift.

and i got another letter from the closest thing i have to a "best friend" (i don't use that term. it's...labelling.) hallmark is amazing, how they continue to put the best and most fitting words in their cards. my card reads:

"How can I describe the kind of friend you are?
It's really hard to know where to start because you are a friend to me in so many different ways.
You're the friend who can tell when I'm not fine, even if I say I am, the one who draws me out, not to pry, but because you really care about what I'm feeling.
You're the friend who won't hesitate to do something totally goofy just for the sheer pleasure of cracking me up.
You're the friend who remembers things I've said, the one who knows what I worry about, and the one I trust with my most precious secrets.
You're worth more than a thousand "mere acquaintances" because this adventure called "life" wouldn't be half as fun if I couldn't share it with you."
(by: linda lee elrod - so i don't get sued for copyright laws)

it...summed up everything i needed to read in a card from her. and she adds:

You're the friend who will smile for me even if you don't feel like it
You're the friend who will go the lengths of the earth, that I never knew existed, for me.
You're the friend whose compassion is almost unreal.
You're the friend whose warmth is ten times better than the stove top's.
You are THE friend!

doesn't that hit that special spot inside? it sure made me melt and crumble to bits.

that's enough sap for one day, no?

g'day.

01292007 - a beautiful collision

a beautiful collision

the breaking makes a sound I never knew could
be so beautiful and loud, fury filled and we collide

so courageous until now, fumbling and scared
so afraid You’ll find me out, alone here with my doubt

here it comes, a beautiful collision is happening now
there seems no end to where You begin and
there I am now You and I collide

something circling inside, spaciously you fly
infinite and wide, like the moon and sky collide

here it comes, a beautiful collision is happening now
there seems no end to where You begin and
there I am now You and I collide

here it comes now
(a beautiful collision, david crowder band)

click here to listen.