12042006 - smile more often.

so about...i'll say 2 or so months ago, i saw something at school. and it's taken me this long to blog about it. but it was relatively significant to me. well, it was an attention-stopper, that's for sure. it was in my civics (US government class). near the end of class, i walked over to the recylce bin, and tacked up on the bulletin board behind it was this random piece of notebook, blue-lined paper. it was unlike the rest of the papers on the board, with bright eye-catching colors and large headlines. this one was just ripped out of the binder, hand-written (pencil i think). this is what it said:

speaks louder than ever to me. it's just perfect advice.

i think it's just amazing how random, and simple things can have such drastic effects on people's lives.

so. smile more often, ok?

i'm beyond ecstatic. 9 more days.

11272006

firstly, thank you to all those who wished me a happy birthday :) it makes me extremely happy to know you guys remember(ed) me.

so, i just spent my thanksgiving break week (YES WE GET A WHOLE WEEK OFF!!!) in Los Angeles with my family. eating turkey and pumpkin pie and birthday cake all on the same day. it was freaking awesome! and i saw like...11 universities. applied to like...8. so keep your fingers crossed for me :)

1. [X] san francisco state university
2. [ ] california polytech pomona
3. [ ] california state university long beach
4. [ ] california state university fullerton
5. [ ] university of california berkeley (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
6. [ ] university of california irvine (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
7. [ ] university of california san diego (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
8. [ ] university of california los angeles (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
X= accepted :)

that's all for now. HAPPY BIRFDAY STEPHANY LAU!!!

11092006 - if you wanna i might

you take a seat right next to me
and I take my lit notes nervously
i've gotta stay calm i just want you to stay
i am always daydreaming
hoping you've dreamt of the same thing
i've gotta stay calm i don't want this to change

i've been assuming everything
hoping you'll soon mean everything
i've gotta stay calm i want this to be real
i don't think you're into me
but truely thats okay with me
i've gotta stay calm and find out how you feel

so if you wanna say 'i-i-i like you'
i might feel just like you
if you choose-choose not to
i knew you-you would

sometimes i think i am out of my league
and then sometimes I think i can dream
sometimes i wish i could be the one fish
that you choose out of all in the sea

we are non existant
but i'll try to be persistant
i've gotta keep on if want to be close to you
i know you're uninterested
im probably just some stupid kid
i could give up if you would want me to
(if you wanna i might - hellogoodbye)

11062006 - walking away from the darkness, and into the light

ideally, this is what i want my life to be right now. ideally, i would be that little kid in the picture holding this taller figure's hand (whomever he would be) (i would assume it would be a man, possibly some sort of fatherly-type figure), and he is leading me away from the darkened path, and towards/into the light. ideally, this is what i would want. but realistically, this is not what i'm going to get. my life is just about the opposite of this, completely reversed. i am NOT a child. i am NOT holding a man's hand. i am NOT walking away from the darness and into light. i AM rather, walking alone. i AM by myself - not a child, nor an adult. i AM walking, not necessarily away from the light, per se, but into the darkness. [this is all, of course, metaphorical and completely in my head.] my life is a black and white picture. a very colorless reality.

if words could explain and express the troubles of my heart, i would write them down. but since mere words cannot do such a thing, i am left with this picture.

walking away from the light, the answers and truth; walking into the darkness, the pain and wonder.

11032006

a bed of forget-me-nots

is love so prone to change and rot
we are fain to rear forget-me-not
by measure in a garden-plot?

i love its growth at large and free
by untrod path and unlopped tree,
or nodding by the unpruned hedge,
or on the water's dangerous edge
where flags and meadowsweet blow rank
with rushes on the quaking bank.
love is not taught in learning's school,
love is not parcelled out by rule:
hath curbed or call an answer got?-
so free must be forget-me-not.
give me the flame no dampness dulls,
the passion of the instinctive pulse,
love steadfast as a fixèd star,
tender as doves with nestlings are,
more large than time, more strong than death:
this all creation travails of-
she groans not for a passing breath-
this is forget-me-not and love.

-christina rossetti

i like it :) the whole thing.

10282006 - chasing cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
chasing cars - snow patrol

would you lie with me and just forget the world?
sometimes, whether with you or not, i wish i could just do that.

10182006 - untitled

long time no post, i know. promises to make up for it...soon.

here's a recent one. recent as in less than 24 hours ago, not quite titled yet, -

i can hear the muffled wind, whistle into my ears,
across the hairs on my face, past my dry lips.
the cold earth keeps me awake,
shadows lurk behind each thought -
of your call.
the clean light shines through the leaves,
as the red sun sets gracefully to rest.
my stream of memories run clear,
and the scent of your shampoo remains on my shirt, lingers in the air.
i walk through the leaves,
the colors erase -
everything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it"

yellowcard - back home

10042006 - "forget me not"

so when i was back in toronto, packing to leave, my friend gave me this plant. we had this (recent) thing where we'd buy each other plants, randomly. she had told me, a long time ago, that she liked these "plant in a bag" things they sold at the store 'green earth' (which is like THE coolest store in scarborough town centre). she had bought herself one a while back, and it died. so i bought her one for her birthday, i think it was called "thinking of you" or something like that, or for some other occasion, can't remember. unless she either told me and i forgot, or she just didn't tell me at all (i probably just forgot, seeing as how my memory is horrible)- it should still be alive and living on her windowsill above her desk. when i went to hong kong over the summer, i bought her this strawberry plant grown out of this tin can thing, and a basil plant that grew OUT OF AN EGG (it was the wicked thing)!!! and so in return, she bought me this "plant in a bag" and it was called the "forget me not" plant. the little picture told me that it would be this little blue flower; it was so cute! SO I WAS SO EXCITED TO GROW IT!! i'm not much of a nature person; not that i didn't like nature, i was just never really exposed to it and never really took care of plants (mind you, plants grown out of bags are NOT natural). so as i was unpacking from my plane ride from toronto to piedmont california, I SAW THE PLANT! immediately, i read the instructions, and gave it life with seeds and water. i looked at it like everyday, re-reading the instructions every time making sure i couldn't have missed steps or anything, putting it in warm places, smiling when i thought of it (cause i missed the friend who got it for me) and then getting sad. so lo and behold, a month and a half later, it lies happily with the other dirt outside my house because i didn't grow it properly, or because it didn't like me, or maybe it was a sign. i was so sad. i followed each and every step correctly, DOUBLE-CHECKING like everyday. and it doesn't even sprout me any little sprouts. i was very unhappy.

but could this be some sort of (unforseen) sign? a plant called "forget me not" never even grows. what is that supposed to mean?

so, this is my tribute for my "forget me not" plant from my friend back home in toronto. i'm sorry i couldn't grow it. i feel terrible. i'm hoping that this "forget me not" plant not growing is not a sign. so here's to a would-have-been beautiful plant!

9242006 - on the issue of blogging

why do people blog, for the sake of blogging? like, people write things just so others can read. they don't blog because they want to share information about their life/experience/etc. like, they write purposely to write to others. (does this make sense?) like, they're falsely writing to show off? -___-' this doesn't make sense. they put on an act.

i give up.

why do you blog?

9212006 - kiss

kiss

it's night,
you stay.
do you hear me?

back and forth,
destinations unknown.
in suspension.

i beg you,
stay here,
here with me.
still,
i let you go.

go.
stop idling.
you're not scared.

old memories
barge in
and break down the doors.
but now
i have confidence.
it's clear
right now.
me and you.

there seems to be a problem,
a beautiful problem tonight.
the lanes are empty,
the lights glow,
they're green,
let's go.
far away,
to where the sky is deeper and wider.

down the street,
the rain's harder.
it breaks the silence,
spins time.
but i'm alright.
come back to me.

i dive in the swimming pool.
i can hear your heart beat at night.
but there's nothing i could do,
but close my eyes.
i'm undone,
i'm the center of the storm.
there's static ringing all around.
have i disappeared?
with the wind?
and the fading lights?
or did i drown?

i'm thriving to
complete myself.
rescue me.
the score is 2:0.

i reminisce,
let's box the stars tonight.
i'll keep them in my heart,
and save them.
with the symphonies.
i'm wishing
the years
were like words.
ever flowing.
score 2:1.

all night
i walk away.
and pray to God,
for one true love.
no more pain, please.
get lost.
the truth
screams.
everything screams.
mistakes
tear down the walls.
chances
never change.
i breathe in.

you can't wait
to take it all the way.
but you're waiting on queue,
admit it.
the stars
never knew
a lie from the truth.
this is the last call.
we've got what it takes.
here's step 1:
burn bridges.
nothing holds you down.
step 2:
let go of secrets,
they can't go on and on.
she is right in front of you,
in over her head.

ask yourself a question.
what is your passion?
do things become clear?

i'm desperate.
something burns inside,
a hunger.
to get close to you.
to get lost in you.
i have hope.
8 seconds remaining,
i only see your smile.
i make a wish.
and drive until i lose the road.

you're watching me,
waiting for me.
let's just make mistakes,
miracles.
we don't need progress,
forget that.
it could never be more clear.

let's break the rules,
lose our innocense.
we'll burn this down,
crash.
we'll create our own cliches,
somewhere between the darkness and light.
bitter descent.

i look into your eyes,
feel your breath on my face.
let's dance until the moon stops glowing.
let's rediscover wonder.

something is right tonight.
tonight, words have no meaning.
this is where love is at.
i don't want to know,
but i know.
it's cold outside,
but i won't hesitate.
in a hotel room,
we're intwined;
lovers.
with fragile hands,
we'll erase everything,
til there are no shadows.
just hands.
warm hands.
tonight we'll mend our paper hearts,
rearranging all the stars.
time can only tell.
this is our last good night,
forever and ever.
but i can still hear symphonies.
kiss.

(written: 9.21.06)

9162006 - smooth

smooth

pain is more deep than imagination
more recommended than murder
more bodiless than space
more real than change

it is most red and bottomless
and less unfolding
than a sheet of paper
is flat

pain is less calling than sand paper
less minute-less than lasting
less brusing than clocks
less showing than blue

it is most inching and steady
and more ready to run
than today when the undone sky
falls dark

(written 9.13.06)

9162006

so this is me.

i write.