retrace.

retrace: 2 days (?)

2009-01-11T22:06:00.000-08:00

superwoman:

1. a woman who performs all the duties typically associated with several different full-time roles

2. a woman with more than human powers; extraordinary, superhuman

(www.dictionary.reference.com)

-----

i am not a superwoman.

-----

i think it is currently universally accepted that everyone should be able to juggle multiple large roles, and still be able to function properly. am i right? i mean, what happened to "less is more"? what happened to simplicity and necessity? what the fuck is all this stuff that's mucking up everyone's life? i don't even have the energy to think of what kind of "stuff" this "stuff" could be. but why is more of everything always better?

or is everyone just super sloth-like? and is apathy plaguing my generation?

i guess it doesn't really matter...my point is...i am not a superwoman. sometimes, i wish i were. i wish i were able to finish everything i need to, and still have time for pleasure. and other times, i wish i could be able to survive off the most simple lifestyle. keeping things simple eliminates all that muck that clutters my life.

so i suppose i'm sort of resorting back to the basics. early bed-times. simple schedules. simple wishes. simple friends (this one's tough). simple thoughts. and hopefully by doing so, i will be able to eliminate the daily headaches that i am being infected with.

-----

i am un-mucking my life because i am not a superwoman.

retrace: one week

2009-01-10T02:04:00.000-08:00

solitary:

1. alone; without companions; unattended

2. by itself

3. being the only one

4. done without assistance or accompaniment

5. single and set apart from others

6. a single-player card game

i am a solitary being.

-----

i felt the urge to return to blogger. thus, my return. but i am not as i was june 2007.

at a loss for words...

2007-06-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

as oversaid and seemingly trivial the phrase "at a loss for words" may be, i am seriously feeling that.

leaving a place i've learned to accept, love and call "home", and entering a completely foreign land of unfamiliarity was really character-building for me. it was a real "find out who you are, michelle, because you've got nothing else to do with yourself" kind of period - these ten months of soul-searching. so when i went back after all this time of separation between people i've grown to love and call family to party and 'have a good time', i expected for them to change a bit, maybe something really subtle and unnoticable to anyone else. i expected moments of awkwardness and discomfort, maybe a bit of regret for my going back to people who've probably already gone on with their lives without me; people who've probably grown a little bit without my influence; etc etc.

that wasn't the case because they were all so much of the same people as they were before. just...better.

so now is the time when i declare myself "at a loss for words", because i am. having gone back to toronto for a ten-day "bonanza", i feel completely ecstatic, for a lack of a better explanation. i don't know how to explain myself, describe this burst of utter content and joy and bliss and happiness and love for my life.

i'm just going to leave a few quotes behind. they are sort of remembrances of what was said to me on my trip - the trip i'm never going to forget (another seemingly trivial phrase):

"take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one that i got."

"you're one in a million, you're once in a lifetime."

"when the whole world fails you, michelle will be there for you."

"this feels like a date. but it's not."

"i'll dance with you."

"drink this. drink it fast, you won't feel anything. then take a sip of sprite, it'll make you feel better."

"let's pretend you're my wife. if you were my wife, you'd hold me tight."

"it feels like you guys are fighting for me."

"i'm glad she's your best friend." "i am too."

but right now, i'm a bit "not myself". from this withdrawal of life-satisfaction.

3 revelations

2007-03-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

so here are 3 revelations that have been revealed to me since yesterday afternoon:

1. there are 3 types of people in this world, and all can be defined with an anology of an escalator, going up. first, there are the people who stand on the right side of the escalator. the lazy, fat people who have no self-esteem, but can effectively hide it behind cunning ideas and swift moves. they are the ones who have all the right connections, coast through their lives, riding the "fast lane" and reaping all the fruits of everyone else's labor. second, there are the people who walk on the left side of the escalator. they are the people who are a bit less lazy. like to work out a sweat when doing their work, but don't like to give all the credit to others. they work hard, but get a few treats here and there on their way up to the top. last, there are the people who say, "SCREW THE ESCALATOR!! LAST TIME I CHECKED I WASN'T DISABLED AND HAD 2 WORKING FEET TO WALK ON!" and they take the stairs. they work their asses off. with every bead of sweat comes hard work and determination to make it up there. they may not make it there quite as fast as the losers on the fast lane, but they get up there. no doubt. (getting off the subway and walking up to the street level yesterday afternoon)

2. faith is like love or hope. something you can't really touch, or see, or hear. you just have to believe in it. (watching 'premonition' last night)

3. life. just. sucks. ass. life is full of shit and there's really not much you can do. all you can do is to love that it's so beautifully imperfect, that is what makes life so beautiful. be who you are and don't let anyone tell you to be anything otherwise. (watching 'little miss sunshine' today)

how are you making in to the top? how is your faith? when was the last time you deafened your ears to the voices of those who think they've got it all figured out?

unbelievable.

2007-03-13T23:26:00.001-07:00

it is unbelievable how much one phone call can do to you.

so i got this unexpected phone call from a very good friend today. i haven't exactly spoken to him in like...6 months. but, we were pretty close for a while, but circumstances since then has made it difficult for us to talk often. but yeah, he called me. and it was just...it was a good surprise.

we caught up, on all of life's happenings. talked about a lot of things; about religion, family, regrets, answers, "awakenings", passions, death, life. it was a good talk. and i'm just really happy right now because i...i really missed him and i'm more than happy right now because we got to talk.

i'll just leave it at that...

it's hard to love when you don't know who you are...

02082007 - unnexpected surprises

2007-02-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

it amazes me how God continues to bless me with little unnexpected surprises. as much as my relationship with Him is plateau-ing, or (regrettably) lessening, He never fails to show me i'm wrong.

so i got 2 little surprises in my mail box (the literal box outside my door where the man with a hat drops off my mail...not that virtual place somewhere in virtual reality, where electronic, virtual mail is stored) when i came home today. a letter from a friend, who sent me a woburn music bracelet...reminding me how much i miss, and actually belong in the woburn music family. and gave me enough origami paper for me to finish what i want to do. (i'm working towards 1000 origami cranes...no i'm not sick, or deathly ill. no i don't know anyone who is sick, or deathly ill. it's just a goal i'm working towards, and i'm 40% there. turn those rusty little math wheels in your head and calculate that number yourselves.) i was short like...50 sheets, and she sent me some. what a perfect gift.

and i got another letter from the closest thing i have to a "best friend" (i don't use that term. it's...labelling.) hallmark is amazing, how they continue to put the best and most fitting words in their cards. my card reads:

"How can I describe the kind of friend you are?
It's really hard to know where to start because you are a friend to me in so many different ways.
You're the friend who can tell when I'm not fine, even if I say I am, the one who draws me out, not to pry, but because you really care about what I'm feeling.
You're the friend who won't hesitate to do something totally goofy just for the sheer pleasure of cracking me up.
You're the friend who remembers things I've said, the one who knows what I worry about, and the one I trust with my most precious secrets.
You're worth more than a thousand "mere acquaintances" because this adventure called "life" wouldn't be half as fun if I couldn't share it with you."
(by: linda lee elrod - so i don't get sued for copyright laws)

it...summed up everything i needed to read in a card from her. and she adds:

You're the friend who will smile for me even if you don't feel like it
You're the friend who will go the lengths of the earth, that I never knew existed, for me.
You're the friend whose compassion is almost unreal.
You're the friend whose warmth is ten times better than the stove top's.
You are THE friend!

doesn't that hit that special spot inside? it sure made me melt and crumble to bits.

that's enough sap for one day, no?

g'day.

01292007 - a beautiful collision

2007-01-29T17:23:00.000-08:00

a beautiful collision

the breaking makes a sound I never knew could
be so beautiful and loud, fury filled and we collide

so courageous until now, fumbling and scared
so afraid You’ll find me out, alone here with my doubt

here it comes, a beautiful collision is happening now
there seems no end to where You begin and
there I am now You and I collide

something circling inside, spaciously you fly
infinite and wide, like the moon and sky collide

here it comes, a beautiful collision is happening now
there seems no end to where You begin and
there I am now You and I collide

here it comes now
(a beautiful collision, david crowder band)

click here to listen.

01252007 - V-I

2007-01-25T18:57:00.000-08:00

sincerest apologies to those who actually READ this crap of a blog...but i've been...let's say - "busy". i'm not gonna say much, but that i'm still alive. "horray" or "boo" for me, whatever you may wish upon me.

here's some recent stuff i've put together. hope it successfully 'tickles your fancy'.

this one's the newest. enjoy!

V - I

Turn It Up!
not the beating of the heart drum,
nor the ticking of the clocks.

TURN IT UP!
not the confused melodies,
nor the resonating of trembling silence.

so turn. it. up.
yes, the repeating of the sad song,
playing over and over again,
in my head.

This a story,
of undeniably naked Truths,
of falling behind the rhythm of reality,
and getting caught between wrong and right.

“hey there you are!”
the shadow of my doubts,
the defaced idea of Him.

April showers bring long hours,
of watching the secondhand tick down
to the crash of time.
when reality and truth collide,
and hope fails to lift me up,
and the walls keeping me in,
tumble down.

“tell me something good!”
show me a glimpse of Home,
and wrong made right.
don’t just show me broken spirits,
and fallacious faith.

beautiful bright colors dance around me.
colors of temporary revival and restoration
act as band-aids for my shattered fidelity.
and once the wound is healed,
the need for aid is no more.

You stand over me,
like a watch tower on high.
no guarantees of where the light falls,
just the repeating cycles of heartless prayers.

Hold On!
wait a minute.
do you know what you’re getting yourself into?
falling between the cracks of lies and attacks,
i grip hold to the Idea.
the only One true Idea.
of Him,
Him,
and Him.
the One Truth.

so as i sit here and lather in the here and now,
i wrap my thoughts around waking up from this possible nightmare,
of waking up to the honest reality i once knew.
with both eyes open,
maybe i will see the flood of life
this hurricane draws in.
and then maybe,
i can truly hear
the perfect cadence this life was made to end in.

12042006 - smile more often.

2006-12-04T16:46:00.000-08:00

so about...i'll say 2 or so months ago, i saw something at school. and it's taken me this long to blog about it. but it was relatively significant to me. well, it was an attention-stopper, that's for sure. it was in my civics (US government class). near the end of class, i walked over to the recylce bin, and tacked up on the bulletin board behind it was this random piece of notebook, blue-lined paper. it was unlike the rest of the papers on the board, with bright eye-catching colors and large headlines. this one was just ripped out of the binder, hand-written (pencil i think). this is what it said:

speaks louder than ever to me. it's just perfect advice.

i think it's just amazing how random, and simple things can have such drastic effects on people's lives.

so. smile more often, ok?

i'm beyond ecstatic. 9 more days.

11272006

2006-11-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

firstly, thank you to all those who wished me a happy birthday :) it makes me extremely happy to know you guys remember(ed) me.

so, i just spent my thanksgiving break week (YES WE GET A WHOLE WEEK OFF!!!) in Los Angeles with my family. eating turkey and pumpkin pie and birthday cake all on the same day. it was freaking awesome! and i saw like...11 universities. applied to like...8. so keep your fingers crossed for me :)

1. [X] san francisco state university
2. [ ] california polytech pomona
3. [ ] california state university long beach
4. [ ] california state university fullerton
5. [ ] university of california berkeley (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
6. [ ] university of california irvine (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
7. [ ] university of california san diego (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
8. [ ] university of california los angeles (haven't submitted application yet, will tonight)
X= accepted :)

that's all for now. HAPPY BIRFDAY STEPHANY LAU!!!

11092006 - if you wanna i might

2006-11-08T21:30:00.000-08:00

you take a seat right next to me
and I take my lit notes nervously
i've gotta stay calm i just want you to stay
i am always daydreaming
hoping you've dreamt of the same thing
i've gotta stay calm i don't want this to change

i've been assuming everything
hoping you'll soon mean everything
i've gotta stay calm i want this to be real
i don't think you're into me
but truely thats okay with me
i've gotta stay calm and find out how you feel

so if you wanna say 'i-i-i like you'
i might feel just like you
if you choose-choose not to
i knew you-you would

sometimes i think i am out of my league
and then sometimes I think i can dream
sometimes i wish i could be the one fish
that you choose out of all in the sea

we are non existant
but i'll try to be persistant
i've gotta keep on if want to be close to you
i know you're uninterested
im probably just some stupid kid
i could give up if you would want me to
(if you wanna i might - hellogoodbye)

11062006 - walking away from the darkness, and into the light

2006-11-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

ideally, this is what i want my life to be right now. ideally, i would be that little kid in the picture holding this taller figure's hand (whomever he would be) (i would assume it would be a man, possibly some sort of fatherly-type figure), and he is leading me away from the darkened path, and towards/into the light. ideally, this is what i would want. but realistically, this is not what i'm going to get. my life is just about the opposite of this, completely reversed. i am NOT a child. i am NOT holding a man's hand. i am NOT walking away from the darness and into light. i AM rather, walking alone. i AM by myself - not a child, nor an adult. i AM walking, not necessarily away from the light, per se, but into the darkness. [this is all, of course, metaphorical and completely in my head.] my life is a black and white picture. a very colorless reality.

if words could explain and express the troubles of my heart, i would write them down. but since mere words cannot do such a thing, i am left with this picture.

walking away from the light, the answers and truth; walking into the darkness, the pain and wonder.

11032006

2006-11-03T21:17:00.000-08:00

a bed of forget-me-nots

is love so prone to change and rot
we are fain to rear forget-me-not
by measure in a garden-plot?

i love its growth at large and free
by untrod path and unlopped tree,
or nodding by the unpruned hedge,
or on the water's dangerous edge
where flags and meadowsweet blow rank
with rushes on the quaking bank.
love is not taught in learning's school,
love is not parcelled out by rule:
hath curbed or call an answer got?-
so free must be forget-me-not.
give me the flame no dampness dulls,
the passion of the instinctive pulse,
love steadfast as a fixèd star,
tender as doves with nestlings are,
more large than time, more strong than death:
this all creation travails of-
she groans not for a passing breath-
this is forget-me-not and love.

-christina rossetti

i like it :) the whole thing.

10282006 - chasing cars

2006-10-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
chasing cars - snow patrol

would you lie with me and just forget the world?
sometimes, whether with you or not, i wish i could just do that.

10182006 - untitled

2006-10-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

long time no post, i know. promises to make up for it...soon.

here's a recent one. recent as in less than 24 hours ago, not quite titled yet, -

i can hear the muffled wind, whistle into my ears,
across the hairs on my face, past my dry lips.
the cold earth keeps me awake,
shadows lurk behind each thought -
of your call.
the clean light shines through the leaves,
as the red sun sets gracefully to rest.
my stream of memories run clear,
and the scent of your shampoo remains on my shirt, lingers in the air.
i walk through the leaves,
the colors erase -
everything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it"

yellowcard - back home

10042006 - "forget me not"

2006-10-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

so when i was back in toronto, packing to leave, my friend gave me this plant. we had this (recent) thing where we'd buy each other plants, randomly. she had told me, a long time ago, that she liked these "plant in a bag" things they sold at the store 'green earth' (which is like THE coolest store in scarborough town centre). she had bought herself one a while back, and it died. so i bought her one for her birthday, i think it was called "thinking of you" or something like that, or for some other occasion, can't remember. unless she either told me and i forgot, or she just didn't tell me at all (i probably just forgot, seeing as how my memory is horrible)- it should still be alive and living on her windowsill above her desk. when i went to hong kong over the summer, i bought her this strawberry plant grown out of this tin can thing, and a basil plant that grew OUT OF AN EGG (it was the wicked thing)!!! and so in return, she bought me this "plant in a bag" and it was called the "forget me not" plant. the little picture told me that it would be this little blue flower; it was so cute! SO I WAS SO EXCITED TO GROW IT!! i'm not much of a nature person; not that i didn't like nature, i was just never really exposed to it and never really took care of plants (mind you, plants grown out of bags are NOT natural). so as i was unpacking from my plane ride from toronto to piedmont california, I SAW THE PLANT! immediately, i read the instructions, and gave it life with seeds and water. i looked at it like everyday, re-reading the instructions every time making sure i couldn't have missed steps or anything, putting it in warm places, smiling when i thought of it (cause i missed the friend who got it for me) and then getting sad. so lo and behold, a month and a half later, it lies happily with the other dirt outside my house because i didn't grow it properly, or because it didn't like me, or maybe it was a sign. i was so sad. i followed each and every step correctly, DOUBLE-CHECKING like everyday. and it doesn't even sprout me any little sprouts. i was very unhappy.

but could this be some sort of (unforseen) sign? a plant called "forget me not" never even grows. what is that supposed to mean?

so, this is my tribute for my "forget me not" plant from my friend back home in toronto. i'm sorry i couldn't grow it. i feel terrible. i'm hoping that this "forget me not" plant not growing is not a sign. so here's to a would-have-been beautiful plant!

9242006 - on the issue of blogging

2006-09-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

why do people blog, for the sake of blogging? like, people write things just so others can read. they don't blog because they want to share information about their life/experience/etc. like, they write purposely to write to others. (does this make sense?) like, they're falsely writing to show off? -___-' this doesn't make sense. they put on an act.

i give up.

why do you blog?

9212006 - kiss

2006-09-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

kiss

it's night,
you stay.
do you hear me?

back and forth,
destinations unknown.
in suspension.

i beg you,
stay here,
here with me.
still,
i let you go.

go.
stop idling.
you're not scared.

old memories
barge in
and break down the doors.
but now
i have confidence.
it's clear
right now.
me and you.

there seems to be a problem,
a beautiful problem tonight.
the lanes are empty,
the lights glow,
they're green,
let's go.
far away,
to where the sky is deeper and wider.

down the street,
the rain's harder.
it breaks the silence,
spins time.
but i'm alright.
come back to me.

i dive in the swimming pool.
i can hear your heart beat at night.
but there's nothing i could do,
but close my eyes.
i'm undone,
i'm the center of the storm.
there's static ringing all around.
have i disappeared?
with the wind?
and the fading lights?
or did i drown?

i'm thriving to
complete myself.
rescue me.
the score is 2:0.

i reminisce,
let's box the stars tonight.
i'll keep them in my heart,
and save them.
with the symphonies.
i'm wishing
the years
were like words.
ever flowing.
score 2:1.

all night
i walk away.
and pray to God,
for one true love.
no more pain, please.
get lost.
the truth
screams.
everything screams.
mistakes
tear down the walls.
chances
never change.
i breathe in.

you can't wait
to take it all the way.
but you're waiting on queue,
admit it.
the stars
never knew
a lie from the truth.
this is the last call.
we've got what it takes.
here's step 1:
burn bridges.
nothing holds you down.
step 2:
let go of secrets,
they can't go on and on.
she is right in front of you,
in over her head.

ask yourself a question.
what is your passion?
do things become clear?

i'm desperate.
something burns inside,
a hunger.
to get close to you.
to get lost in you.
i have hope.
8 seconds remaining,
i only see your smile.
i make a wish.
and drive until i lose the road.

you're watching me,
waiting for me.
let's just make mistakes,
miracles.
we don't need progress,
forget that.
it could never be more clear.

let's break the rules,
lose our innocense.
we'll burn this down,
crash.
we'll create our own cliches,
somewhere between the darkness and light.
bitter descent.

i look into your eyes,
feel your breath on my face.
let's dance until the moon stops glowing.
let's rediscover wonder.

something is right tonight.
tonight, words have no meaning.
this is where love is at.
i don't want to know,
but i know.
it's cold outside,
but i won't hesitate.
in a hotel room,
we're intwined;
lovers.
with fragile hands,
we'll erase everything,
til there are no shadows.
just hands.
warm hands.
tonight we'll mend our paper hearts,
rearranging all the stars.
time can only tell.
this is our last good night,
forever and ever.
but i can still hear symphonies.
kiss.

(written: 9.21.06)

9162006 - smooth

2006-09-16T22:35:00.000-07:00

smooth

pain is more deep than imagination
more recommended than murder
more bodiless than space
more real than change

it is most red and bottomless
and less unfolding
than a sheet of paper
is flat

pain is less calling than sand paper
less minute-less than lasting
less brusing than clocks
less showing than blue

it is most inching and steady
and more ready to run
than today when the undone sky
falls dark

(written 9.13.06)

9162006

2006-09-16T17:51:00.000-07:00

so this is me.

i write.